How to Escape Hell
by Ikasury
Summary: How To Escape Hell. Step 1: get a saiyan enemy. Step 2: they kill you. Step 3: they have a child. Step 4: they revive you and dump said child off on you... Step 5: Win! the bizarre sequence of events that lead to Frieza tentatively escaping hell... for something potentially far worse...
1. The Tale of Frieza

**A/N:** hello peeps, so this'll be the first thing i throw into the DBZ pool, even though i had this lovely idea of yet another 'brilliant' idea of Vegeta's involving dragon balls and screwing up the universe, but that one can wait... this was too funny an idea and my friend kept saying 'IT NEEDS TO EXIST!'

so here we go, this is what happens after i watch the new DBZ: Resurrection 'F' movie and the final thing after the credits XD might be a bit spoiler-y but nothing 'major' or can't be inferred by someone that knows the series so... you've been warned? o.O

 **Dis:** Akira Toriyama owns all this shenanigans, though this should totally be the beginning of the next movie XD

ENJOY!

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The Tale of Frieza

It all started nearly a year after Frieza in his magnificent 'Golden Frieza' form invaded Earth, intent on destroying it and the saiyans living on it out of revenge for the decades he spent in Earth's _horrible_ hell.

After that incident a lot of rejoicing and 'fun' was had for saving the world, again, and Vegeta needed a 'distraction' from the fact that damn Kakarot stole his kill, again… that's where his genius wife Bulma came in, suffice it to say nine months later Bra Briefs was born.

A month later, crabby and tired of her half-saiyan daughter blowing up her lab with just her screams Bulma gave her husband an ultimatum, "Take her off my hands and train her!"

Vegeta was **_very_** confused by this request. He wanted to continue his god-training with Wiess, so that one day he'd _finally_ show up that moron Kakarot, and raising a child would cut into that precious training time. He held the energetic bundle of blue hair and fuzzy tail, stared at her for a second then looked at his wife, "Woman, why would I do such a thing? She's your daughter! You raise her!" the saiyan hybrid was _lightly_ tossed back to her mother, much to the little girl's squee-ing.

Bulma frantically caught the girl, only to hold her out at arm's length as she yet again started wailing in such a way she was positive only Saiyans were capable of doing, "I **_WOULD_** IF SHE'D STOP SCREAMING LIKE THAT!" and thus Bra was yet again tossed back to her father, squee-ing all the while.

Vegeta growled, holding his daughter out at arm's length, not so much bothered by her yelling just wondering why his woman was so upset by it, "Surly Trunks screamed like this as a whelp?" it was an idle thought, he didn't expect a response.

"HELL NO!" Bulma screamed, holding her hands over her ears, "He was a quiet little boy! Do you honestly think I could have hid him from you for so long while you were intensely training if he was screaming like that less than a month in?"

Well, the woman had a point. Vegeta eyed his blue haired and tailed daughter and wondered why she was breaking the sound barrier with her voice so young when his relatively powerful son did no such thing at such an age, "Hmm…"

"Ugh!" the blue haired genius just rubbed her temples, being in a crabby mood after having to carry the girl for nine months, at her age, not to mention all the yelling was pushing her maternal instincts beyond their breaking point. Trunks had been easy, he just quietly lay in his bassinet next to her while she worked, Bra did not, "I don't care what you do Vegeta, just take her off my hands, it's your turn to raise one of our kids for once!" and out the door she went, hoping to get a minute's peace and a strong drink. She loved her daughter, she really did, the girl was preciously cute and already looked a lot like her… but there was only _so much_ screaming she could handle in the day, and more often than not that was filled up by her father. – _Ha!_ -

So Vegeta was left there, in his stretchy training suit, holding his daughter by her foot as she tried to get out of the blanket she was in previously and not knowing what the hell to do at this point.

Three months later his patience had reached its limit.

"HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH SPAWN AT THIS AGE?!"

Three months in, Bra was four months now, and with the growth of a Saiyan she was already walking around and hitting things, mostly his shins and yelling primal childlike fury at her father if he so much as left her sight. If the damn girl hadn't looked so much like his 'loving' wife he probably would have dropped her in a volcano by now.

Grinding his teeth into dust as he sat out in the middle of a mountain range with the screaming child, as Bulma had shooed him out when the girl wouldn't stop screaming and mommy needed to deal with board members to run her company and she was 'daddy's responsibility'. Vegeta, prince of all Saiyans had reached his damn limit.

He was even willing to do what he absolutely **_HATED_** doing… ask someone for help.

… and not just 'someone' the only person on this kai-forsaken-planet that would marginally understand his situation.

"Hey Buddy!" a cheery voice popped up next to him.

- _Speak of the devil…_ \- Vegeta grit his teeth, feeling a headache coming on as he stood up, his daughter clinging to his arm as he glared directly at his fellow saiyan, "Kakarot," his voice was deadly low and made sure the moron was paying attention, "I have something serious to ask you and if you laugh or tell anyone about this I will kill you, you got that?!"

"Sure thing, Vegeta!" Goku just nodded happily, staring at his best buddy/rival/sparring partner as he put his hands on his hips waiting for whatever he had to say, "What'd'ya wanna know?"

Vegeta looked at him dead serious and asked, "How did you raise your children…?"

The wind blew in the area in the beckoning silence.

"Aww, geez that's an easy one!" Goku just grinned that moronic grin of his as he offered his sagely parental advice to his best buddy, "Chichi raised them!"

If Bra weren't crawling around Vegeta's face at the moment he would have hit his head on the ground. Stemming his coming outrage he grabbed his daughter by her foot and held her out at arm's length again, she seemed to like this as the little blue haired saiyan hybrid just clapped her hands and giggled, "So all I have to do is drop her off with your woman is that it?"

"Aww, no I don't think that'll work," Goku scratched the back of his head as he seemed to be 'thinking', "She's busy with Goten right now and I was going to spar with her later so I don't think she can do it…"

Vegeta growled, closing his eyes, "Then who **_else_** could I have do it?"

After a second of sagely consideration Goku's eyes popped open, "Well what about Bulma!"

The prince's growls grew louder, "Don't you think if I could I wouldn't be here right now? IDIOT!" in his blind fury Vegeta accidently dropped Bra.

Who was quickly picked up by Goku, again by her foot, "Hrm, well suppose that's true," the taller saiyan again rubbed his chin thinking hard, "Well suppose there's always Piccolo, he took care of Gohan for a long time too, and trained him!"

For a second Vegeta's eyes widened, then he snatched back his daughter and turned around as if to leave before throwing behind his back, "If I didn't hate you with every fiber of my being I would thank you Kakarot…" and swiftly blasted off to find the elder Namekian.

Goku just waved as he watched him go, "You're welcome Vegeta!"

It took only a few minutes, and a lot of adjusting since Bra was crawling all over him, before he found himself at that moron Satan's giant mansion. Taking a quick look around the Prince of all Saiyans snorted, unimpressed, before looking around the outside courtyard until he found what he was looking for. There, standing in the center of a grass patch was the large Namekian with his hands out and letting a puny year and something quarter saiyan girl hit his hands. Vegeta watched for a moment, observing how the Namek would train his precious daughter, and decided that Kakarot's quarter-saiyan granddaughter was up to snuff _enough_ to consider the Namek for the prestige.

Then Bra started wailing again and any thoughts of secrecy or leaving this place without dropping the girl off with the green man flew out the window.

The tiny half saiyan's outrageous wailing obviously destroyed any advantage Vegeta had as Piccolo turned to look at the man holding the little girl out at arm's length and smirked, "Something you need Vegeta?"

"Yes, Namek," with barely a glance or seeming care, Vegeta tossed Bra at the crouching green man, "Watch her for a while…"

On instinct Piccolo caught the baby, holding her tight but not too close, hoping Vegeta was **_not_** trying to pull what he thought. Little Pan just squealed and looked into his arms as the little girl excitedly jabbered on. Piccolo's long pointed ears twitched as the young girl's high pitched voice started grating on him, it wasn't as bad as whistling but there was no way in this life he was going to put up with it more than necessary, "No."

And Bra was tossed back to her scowling father.

Vegeta just scowled, "And why the hell not!" he pointed indignantly at the green man, hilariously with the same hand holding his daughter, again, by her foot, "It should be an honor for you to raise and train the next princess of the saiyans, namek!"

Piccolo tried, and failed, to not roll his eyes, "A. I hate you, B. why would I do that and C." he grabbed pan by the back of her tiny orange gi, holding her up for the idiot of all saiyans to see plain as day, "I'm already busy training this one as a favor to Gohan…" a bit of darkening passed his cheeks as he glanced at the little girl, "Well, more her mother, since Gohan didn't want to train her and she wanted this one to know about Ki earlier than she did… so…"

Vegeta just growled, fuming, "Damnit! Then what the hell am I supposed to do with **_this?!_** " he held out Bra, who was more than happy to clap her hands and giggle from her father's grip.

Piccolo just snorted as a funny idea came to mind, "Why not get your greatest enemy to kidnap and train her?" he stuffed Pan under his arm and turned to walk away, hoping to find a quieter place to train what was effectively _his_ granddaughter.

Vegeta just fumed some more watching the green man go, "That's why I came to you green man," he snorted as soon as the Namekian was gone, then just crossed his arms and fumed, "Now who do I try…"

That's when something about the Namekian's words struck in his head and he let out a wicked grin, "Well, maybe I can kill two birds with one stone after all…"

… And that was how Vegeta, after stealing his wife's dragon radar, collected the dragon balls with ease, Bra attached to him for most of it, and summoned the damn thing and quickly got through with his two wishes:

"DRAGON! I WANT YOU TO RESTORE FRIEZA'S BODY AND BRING HIM BACK RIGHT HERE!"

Shenron's eyes glowed for a moment, " ** _YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED!_** "

… And that's how the great _Lord_ Frieza found himself out of that accursed hell and standing in front of one of his greatest enemies and former subordinate. The cold lord could only blink, not sure this was real, "Vegeta?"

The prince of all Saiyans snarled, quickly pointing at his most hated enemy, "Listen well Frieza, you have two choices, either I kill you right now," a vicious grin spread on the pure blooded saiyan's face, "Or you do **_exactly_** as I say…"

"I refuse," was Frieza's immediate reply.

Vegeta just grinned, "You haven't even heard me out, but if you want to return to hell _that_ _ **badly**_ …"

Red eyes twitched before the former galactic emperor got it under control.

It was enough though, Vegeta knew he was listening, "I revived you Frieza for one reason and one reason only," quickly something blue was flung at the cold lord.

Despite himself Frieza caught it, thinking it was some bomb or something he could just whip back at the monkey bastard. Instead it _clung_ to his arm and didn't seem to want to let go, "What in the-?!" that's when he bothered to _look_ at this _thing_ the filthy saiyan had tossed his way. It looked like a miniature version of that woman that yelled at him when he invaded Earth last time… only it had a tail that looked distinctly like a _saiyan_ tail, even if it was a matching blue to its hair.

His immediate response, after realizing it was some kind of living thing, was to try and shake it off. Instead it clung tighter around his arm and started _giggling_ , "What the hell is this and why won't it come off?!"

A dark chuckle filled the air and Frieza's attention was brought back to the damn bastard that called him here, "That, _lord Frieza_ ," there was so much snide amusement in Vegeta's voice as he dragged the words out, "Is my daughter," a vicious grin passed over his face as the lizard went still, "And the reason I brought you back is to have **_you_** look after her…"

"What…" Frieza stilled, arm still out as Bra squeed, while he glared at his former protégé.

Vegeta's grin just spread as he looked at the monster that used to control his life, this was becoming a much more delightful idea of vengeance then he'd first realized, "You heard me, **_Lord_** Frieza, you were brought back to **_babysit_** my precious little princess…"

Red eyes twitched, "I will kill her, then you…"

"Ah, ah, ah," Vegeta waved his hand, "Remember what happened a year ago when you tried to kill either Kakarot or myself?" an angry snort was all the sign that the lizard was fuming, causing the prince to grin wider, "You've been locked in _hell_ for all that time while Kakarot and I have surpassed even those _meager_ limitations," he darkly chuckled as he could see it in the bastard's cold eyes that he was starting to understand his situation, "So you try anything, harm my daughter in anyway outside of training or try to kill her or anyone else unnecessarily and **_I'll_** gladly send you back to that precious hell you enjoy so much…"

The former galactic emperor just snarled, "Is that your plan, to insult me even further, strip me of everything I had and make it so even death won't release me?"

"It's a start," Vegeta's voice hit a low evil tone he hadn't used in years since he started living with his woman.

Frieza just growled but understood the situation, he needed time and resources to figure out a way out of the damn monkey's trap and further on gain immortality so he'd **_never_** return to that godforsaken **_hell_** ever again. He held up his arm holding the blue saiyan, if 'watching' it got him the time he needed and got the stupid monkeys to lower their guard… "So… you want me to… **_watch_** this… _thing_ … Vegeta?"

"That's my daughter, the _Princess_ of all Saiyans," he spoke the title with pride, not that it meant a damn thing to anyone but him, "And you aren't just going to _watch_ her, you're going to **_train_** her, make sure she's capable of defeating any enemy…"

 ** _That_** piqued Lord Frieza's interest, " ** _Any_** enemy?" if that included that damn Goku and maybe even her father… well, this didn't seem like _such_ a bad idea.

Vegeta just grinned, practically reading the damn bastard's mind and approving, " ** _Any_** enemy, Kakarot and myself included, I'll not have my daughter be weak…"

"Hmm," a smirk grew on Frieza's face, "Well I suppose I **_am_** the only thing alive with the knowledge of how to raise filthy monkeys…"

" _Princess!_ " Vegeta growled. His daughter was not 'filthy' at all, she was gorgeous and pristine like her mother!

"Whatever," Frieza said boredly, grabbing the girl by the back of her clothing to be held like a bag in one hand as he stared at her father, "Anything _else_ , oh mighty _Prince_ of all Monkeys…"

Vegeta just glared, "Don't interrupt my training, don't harm my woman or son, and **_don't_** …" he pointed at him fiercely, "Go around having her blow up planets for no reason!" he waved his hand flippantly, "Anything else is fine, so long as she's strong and inherits your vast empire…"

Frieza was _almost_ about to blindly agree until that last part, "What…" he said flatly.

Vegeta just grinned, "You blew up my planet, destroyed my people, and sentenced me to a life of servitude under you," in an instant he was in the final form cold lord's face, brows touching as he spoke in a low primally threatening voice, "Don't think I'm letting you get away with that forever, if **_I_** can't go around conquering the universe, my daughter will… understood?"

Red eyes stared into the saiyan's momentarily and Frieza could see the promise to be sent back to hell, "Very well…" he bit out, knowing he'd lost this battle.

"Good," with that Vegeta stood up straight, hands on his hips as he looked down at the man that destroyed most of his life before seeing his daughter, smiling like her mother and most likely going to drive the former emperor of the universe insane within a month, and smiled, patting her head, "I'll be checking in when Kakarot and I are done with this batch of training…" and without a word the short monkey disappeared.

Frieza just scoffed in the now empty field, "Oh joy," rolling his red eyes before raising the little blue monkey up and looking her in the eyes. He smiled, thoughts of the future where this young monkey grew up to be a loyal servant of his and destroying her father and his comrades dancing in his mind, "I can't wait…"

Bra, completely oblivious to the evil going on in front of her just smiled, reaching out with pudgy hands and smacked her new funny looking guardian on his cheeks.

"Stop that!" was the immediate shout, she decided she liked it, "I am **_LORD FRIEZA_** AND YOU WILL STOP HITTING MY FACE BLUE MONKEY!"

Bra Brief learned pretty quickly angering her new guardian was the most amusing thing in the universe, even more so because somehow she knew he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

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 **A/N:** because Saiyans are such GREAT parents XD

Saiyan Parenting 101:

step 1:dump child off with evil androgynous enemy

step 2: train

step 3: pick them up and train further

step 4: repeat

XD

and Bra's screaming all the time cause that's apparently how Saiyans determine the power of their children right? and if she's born after Veggie reached God-SS then... C'MON! -throws up hands- has to count for SOMETHING!

... and now being trained by 'Uncle Frieza' to rule the universe? HELL YEA! NEEDS TO HAPPEN! XD

comments, questions, opposing views? (review and spread the word minions~ XD)

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury


	2. The One with Piccolo

**A/N:** because i've been feeling depressed and needed something fun to write... realized i'd half of this sitting around and decided to finish it, giggling all the while~

ENJOY!

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The One with Piccolo

Frieza was bored, staring up at the bland bright star that heated this planet. By all accounts it wasn't a particularly impressive star, he'd seen bigger ones and heck even Namek had a triple star system. This planet, despite its damnable hell, was relatively pleasant. If he still had access to his armies and fortunes, and hadn't pissed away all his chances, he could have easily conquered this place and sold it for a good price.

- _Or I could have kept it for my own personal collection…_ \- he'd been on this damn rock for a week. The weather was temperate, one good sun not too close, not too far, various climate zones… the only downside for this planet was its annoying Earthling population. Some were intelligent, don't get him wrong, he'd made a point to scope out the 'brightest' of this planet and their amenities (he was used to _certain_ things and while not helpless enjoyed his luxuries), he'd yet to encounter the blue haired woman of Vegeta's partly since he didn't want to deal with her yelling again, but had examined her and her family's inventions. So far this 'Capsule Corp.' seemed to own the most advanced technology on this planet, and the only ones capable of escaping the planet, so if he ever wanted to take the damnable blue monkey off to train in a harsher environment he'd have to communicate with the thing's mother. The rest of these Earthlings, especially the ones that looked like tailless saiyans, seemed to be complete morons, though he would admit to the loud one proclaiming himself all over their communications network as 'the savior' was humorous to watch. That and the little blue monkey always seemed to make a face like her father when he appeared on the communication box.

Speaking of the blue monkey…

Red eyes glanced from the glaring star of this solar system to his raised foot, where being held up on his triple toed foot was the giggling form of the blue monkey Vegeta had dumped on him.

Bra was currently smiling down at her guardian and clapping her hands, not caring to her precarious position and wagging her fluffy blue tail in amusement.

The former cold lord glared at her, keeping his body still as he was laying on his back, arms crossed and his tail waving about annoyed.

"Ah-ah!" the blue monkey reached forward, making noises again.

Scaly white brows quirked as those red eyes just glared at her. She kept grinning. Bored he raised his tail to pick her up from his foot, wrapping around her small form and lifting her as he put his foot down still glaring at the little blue saiyan. Hoisting his torso up without losing eye contact or moving his arms Frieza came eye level with Bra who was giggling wrapped up in his tail.

It was the strangest thing in the universe, this little blue saiyan, no matter what he did she just kept giggling at him, reaching for him and no position he held her dissuaded her from doing so. A lifetime ago he killed her father's whole race, mostly, and never once had he seen a baby one of them. He doubted any of them would have acted like this around the cold lord.

Frieza twisted around, sitting to the side crossing his legs while still holding the blue monkey in his wrapped tail. He needed to figure out what he was doing on this rock. – _Idyllic environment, low gravity, moderate weather patterns…_ \- a snort from the white lizard. – _how do any of the so called 'warriors' on this planet train?_ \- not that he was particularly experienced himself in 'training' having only bothered those few months before reaching his golden form. – _Hmm… speaking of that, I need to learn how to perfect it…_ \- now that was an idea! If he could get that form perfected he would _at least_ be comparable to the damn monkeys when he fought them then…

This caused him to groan and roll his red eyes. – _I'd still be weaker than those damn monkeys now most likely…_ \- cursing a few choice things in an alien language the little blue monkey would _never_ hear from him! His mind continued to wonder. – _How did those damn monkeys get so strong on this rock?_ -

He needed to find one of those damn warriors from this rock, the non-saiyan ones. – _Let's see, there was the old one, the small bald one I swore I'd killed before… the other bald one with the third eye, the Namekian, and that damn bastard's half-breed son…_ \- he tapped his chin, ignoring as the little blue monkey made some weird gurgling noises. – _Were there any others?_ \- if there were it was little use to him now, the hard part would be finding one of them. Those Earthlings had some strange means of always finding **_him_** but without a scouter he was basically flying around blind. He was honestly surprised he hadn't run into one of them in the past week he'd been flying around taking care of the damn blue monkey.

Speaking of her, he felt something wet on his tail.

Turning around to glare at her he found Bra was holding onto the end of his tail and sucking on it.

"Stop that, now!" his effeminate voice snapped at the little blue monkey, all she did was giggle around his tail. Normally a glare from _Lord_ Frieza could blow up a planet and send its inhabitants quivering to their knees… all it seemed to do here was make the little blue monkey giggle and smile at him. It infuriated him to no end, that damn innocent look in her blue eyes as she just laughed at him…

Nothing in this universe was innocent, saiyans especially, she had no right to be so deceptive.

Bored and irritated his knee started twitching.

He needed to find something to do…

- _Better yet, I need to find something to occupy this blue monkey while I figure out what to do here…_ \- red eyes glared at her again despite his twitching knee and her sucking on his tail. So long as she didn't start chewing on it he probably couldn't care less at this point.

Standing up Frieza looked around, he'd spent most of this day lounging in a wasteland and playing with the little monkey, for lack of a better way of putting it. She was an energetic thing when she wasn't attached to him at some point, could easily run about for hours. He'd directed her towards a wild animal at one point, curious what she'd do… the few month old saiyan had easily caught up to the thing and… hugged… it…

Annoyed he had killed the beast and fried it up with his Ki, he'd been hungry and was sure she was too considering saiyan appetites. The little girl had seemed confused for a while, cried a bit even much to the bursting of his auditory organs, but once the smell of cooked meat registered she didn't seem to care and ate three times what he did. – _Less cleanup is always a benefit…_ \- bones had been left in the wasteland and they'd wondered to another area.

That had been most of their days aside from the times he wondered into populated areas to get better bearings of this primitive world. At those times the little blue monkey would attach herself to some part of him, his tail, leg, shoulder, whatever she could get ahold of and seemed more comfortable around _him_ than those of her own kind. Well, _half_ of her kind, but details…

Most of the Earthlings he'd come across just gave him odd looks, most got out of his way as he walked around or flew without care. How… _okay_ these primitives were with his presence was most irrational and irritating. The fact none of them so much as batted an eye at him with the blue monkey was more irritating, the only time he'd been accosted by some form of guard on this planet was a small non-saiyan telling him to put on clothes. He'd flicked the creature into a building and continued walking.

But that was enough reminiscing about escapades into this primitive planet.

Now he needed to find something to occupy the little blue monkey.

- _I could attempt to locate one of those warriors…_ \- rising into the air effortlessly, the blue monkey wrapped in his tail, he took off towards one of the cities. – _They see themselves as the 'heroes' of this planet, perhaps they have some tie to that 'Savior' Earthling…_ \- tapping his white scaly chin he tried to recall the direction that buffoon's large mansion was. According to the communication devices he was this world's 'hero' despite never facing _him_ in combat, surly those warriors knew him.

It took a bit longer than originally planned, all these primitive cities looked the same but once he found the one with the man's face plastered around every building he knew he was in the right city. – _Sa-tan city… what a strange name…_ \- what kind of idiot named a _city_ after themselves? – _At least Vegeta knew to name a planet after himself, it's not worth it if it's less than a planet…_ \- he'd had a whole galaxy named after _him_ , not to mention his father's empire named after him…

There was a disapproving grunt and baby babbling from his tail as he glanced back and noticed the little blue monkey was scowling like her father. – _Good blue monkey! Recognize how foolish these Earthlings are!_ \- as far as he knew the child's mother was the closest these creatures had to a _proper_ conqueror, while not in war, her company had a foothold in every city and monopoly on the most advanced technology. If the little one was half as good as her mother in economic conquest with her father's power she would likely be a good successor to his empire…

- _Ew-_ shaking his white scaly head Frieza scowled, he didn't like the feeling of _approving_ of this half-saiyan dumped on him.

Luckily to distract himself from that audacious thought, he spotted something green, purple and white in the courtyard of the largest, gaudiest mansion in the city playing with something orange. That orange was oddly familiar…

Lowering himself, Frieza landed behind what appeared to be the Namekian crouched with some small Earthling. The blue monkey started squealing and clapping her hands. – _She must recognize the Namekian, can't be too many of them on this planet…_ -

One of the Namekian's pointy ears twitched and slowly he turned to look over his shoulder. For a long minute he stared at the cold lord, "Frieza, what are you doing here?"

Frieza's eye twitched, "Gone a year and already no fear, bah," he would have slammed his tail as a threat if he didn't remember the blue monkey was being held there.

"Hmp," the Namekian grunted, standing up and turning towards the cold lord, the small Earthling latching onto his cape, "You've been dead a long time Frieza…"

Red lips moved to scowl as Frieza's tail moved to set the blue monkey on his shoulder so he could flick it in annoyance, "Not long enough for you to be a threat to me Namekian…"

Despite the broody androgynous alien glare off, Bra was amused by her new position on her white guardian's shoulder. Squealing and smiling she wagged her tail and waved at the funny green man her daddy talked to the other day and the little girl who chattered at her.

"Mr. Piccolo! Look, look!" little Pan smiled brightly like her father and grandfather, tugging on the Namekian's white cape. She recognized the little girl that was thrown at her other-other grandpa the week before from the short man with the pointy hair, she was so cute then and still just as cute. Though the weird white lizard man she was hanging off of was strange.

At the tiny voice Frieza looked down at the little Earthling in orange. She was tiny, obviously a female of this strange non-saiyan species and looked familiar. – _Those eyes…_ \- that grin, those bright innocent black eyes, why were they giving him a familiar feeling. The blue monkey seemed to recognize the little one, she seemed only about a year or two older. Bra was grunting and waving her hand at the girl making Frieza think she wanted to go down. Without even thinking he grabbed her from his shoulder with his tail and set her on the ground.

The little few month old half-saiyan toddled for a moment then lost her balance and squeaked, seeming confused a moment. The little girl ran up to the blue monkey and squealed, picking her up in a hug and making the most god-awful noise, chattering nonsensically causing the blue monkey to squeal just as much.

"Gah!" the Namekian grabbed his ears and twitched.

It took all of Frieza's infinitesimal will to not do the same with his auditory organs.

For about five minutes two of the strongest androgynous aliens in the universe were quelled by the giggles of little partial saiyan girls.

"And that's enough of that!" unceremoniously Frieza walked up to the squealing girls and grabbed Bra by the back of her little baby outfit and brought her up and out of little Pan's embrace. Soon enough the two girls had quivering lips and start sniffling, "Noooo…" Frieza glared bringing the little blue monkey up to his level, watery eyes and quivering lip next to his own. He brought one deadly finger up in his opposite hand, one that had previously blown up planets with but the flick of his Ki, only to waggle it at the little half saiyan, "No, no, no…" it was his intent to get her to stop before she started crying.

In hindsight, he should have known better, having raised her father from a relatively young age. Since, as Frieza waggled that deadly finger in front of her, Bra got that scowl on her baby face she'd inherited from her father and did the most basic attack a Saiyan could do. She bit the scaly white finger in her face.

"Yeeeeooo-mffffhhhhrrrr…!" the cold lord had to bite his own lip as wide red eyes just glared murder at the little girl that **_dared_** to bite him!

Sadly this had the opposite effect then he'd intended on the other Earthling child, as little Pan put her hands up to cover her mouth and started giggling.

A white vein pulsed on the great _Lord_ Frieza's head as he turned to glare fury at her, still pursing his lips tightly shut with Bra noming on his finger.

It got so much worse when there was a deep throated chuckle from the tall Namekian.

Red eyes immediately went to the offending slug-man, "Shut it, Namek…"

Piccolo just held a demonic smirk on his face, lowering his arms to cross them as he watched the former galactic emperor be brought low by two girls less than two years old. The fact that this scaly white bastard was one of the first **_real_** hellish creatures to nearly kill him and wiped out a good portion of his race, and the universe in general, made the scene that much more surreal.

Stuck between giggling and finger noming, Frieza's patience quickly met its end, "Fine," pulling his offended finger out of the blue monkey's mouth, waving it about to be rid of her slobber, and quickly tossed Bra back on the ground, crossing his arms in a huff when she looked back up at him with wide blue eyes and a quivering lip, "That's what you wanted, isn't it Blue Monkey?" the mighty cold lord ignored the watery eyes as he flicked his fingers towards the little black haired non-saiyan girl, "Go then, fight her, or whatever it is you do at this age? Eat one another for all I care…"

Surprisingly this comment had a very strange effect. Now Frieza knew Bra was young, a toddler at best and obviously less than a year old, so her knowledge of language was limited. There were a _few_ words she seemed to understand, 'Blue Monkey' was one, 'Vegeta' was another, so obviously she understood who her father was and who she was according to him. But the way her eyes sparkled when he mentioned the word 'Fight' surprised him. For a moment her young innocent eyes just sparkled, then as he waved at the other little non-saiyan girl she looked towards her, then back at him, and back at her…

 _THEN_ she got a look he'd on her little face he'd seen on Vegeta back when he was a boy and about to thrash that other saiyan boy with him, whatshisname, Radish or something…

So when the terrible little blue monkey suddenly _jumped_ at the black haired girl, who squeaked by the way, and bit her arm and the two started scuffling as flimsily as only two little girls could… well…

There was **_NOT_** a sniffle from Lord Frieza, _certainly_ not! – _They grow up so fast!_ -

"Are you crying?" a deep baritone next to Frieza called him out.

Red eyes immediately glared at the damn Namekian for ruining this crowning moment, "What is this 'crying' you speak of? My species occasionally needs to release fluids so our optical organs don't dry up, especially with how war this planet is!" that was his story and he was sticking to it!

A snort from Piccolo, "Yea sure, and just love to eat a whole bucket of salt with my meal…"

"Shut it Namek…" Was Frieza's dignified response.

For a good long hour the two androgynous aliens just stood there watching as the little one and a half and six month old duked it out. Their forms were atrocious, speaking as expert fighters themselves, but they both definitely had fighting instinct in them, even if the blue monkey was obviously much more aggressive despite the little non-saiyan girl's attempts at using whatever skills the Namekian had been trying to teach her…

Quirking a white scaly brow, Frieza rubbed his chin watching the girls, "That… non-sayian girl… she quite aggressive for the sniveling species of this planet…" it was an idle observation, he hadn't expected a response.

"She's Goku's granddaughter," Piccolo snorted while crossing his arms, "Though I think all the spunk she's got in her comes from her human side more than her saiyan heritage…" idly he rubbed the back of his head, having met with Chichi's frying pan one too many times to not question that woman's heritage as purely an Earthling.

That white scaly brow remained up as the cold lord turned to the slug man, " _That_ girl is that damnable monkey's spawn!" it took a magnificent amount of effort for his eye not to twitch.

Again with that demonic smirk from Piccolo as he looked down at the rather _short_ former emperor of the universe, "Granddaughter, she's Gohan, Goku's first son's daughter…" Frieza seemed to visibly twitch, looking rather blue at the prospect, "I know, they're pretty gross, but you get used to it on this planet…"

With a frown Frieza went back to watching the girls scrap, "Suppose that would explain why even so young she picked up some fighting style so quickly, even if she isn't _nearly_ as aggressive as the blue monkey…"

Idly the two watched the girls roll by in a dust ball of childish angry screaming…

"Feh," Piccolo grunted, "She's already more aggressive then her father, and I'll blame that on her mother, Hercule's daughter might not be that strong compared to the other warriors of this world but what she lacks in strength she more then makes up in fight, even if her father's a complete coward."

"Her-cu-le?" Frieza rolled the name around in his mouth, trying to remember why it sounded important, "Oh yes, that buffoon claiming to be this planet's 'savior', this Mr. Sa-tan…" a completely undignified snort not worthy of a cold lord, "Suppose this planet is _lucky_ it never had to rely on him to face me…"

"Me too," Piccolo snickered to himself, wondering what would have happened if he'd faced a young Hercule back at the world tournament instead of Goku. That would have been hilarious!

Red eyes glanced at the tall green man, "I don't suppose we can stay here for the time being?"

A scaly green brow rose as the man's black eyes looked at the white alien, "And why would you want to?"

With a frown Frieza faced forward again, hating having to spell it out to the Namekian, "As it stands I am stranded on this dull rock and forced to care for this little blue monkey," he nodded his head as the girls rolled passed again, it looked like Pan had Bra's tail in her grip while the Capsule heiress was biting her arm again, "And frankly I've no idea what to do with a mangy half-saiyan this young!" there was not a snort of frustration from the cold lord, of course not!

Piccolo just chuckled to himself, looking away, "Sure you can stay, I don't care, but if you want a room or something you'd have to discuss that with the lady of the house…"

Red eyes narrowed on the tall green man, "And who would that be?" it was his experience he just got whatever he wanted, someone else had always made the arrangements for him, or he just killed whoever for whatever he wanted.

Conveniently the door to the back courtyard opened and there was a strangled gasp.

Both androgynous aliens looked back to see a woman with light blue eyes and black hair gapping at them, then at the fighting girls that rolled past then back at them, "P-Piccolo what in the world are you-?!" her voice cut off as she glanced enough to take in Frieza's boredly staring form then quickly squeaked and shut up.

Whit scaly brow rose. While he had been expecting fear from everyone on this planet at his presence, finally getting it strangely felt shallow and annoying.

The Namekian just gave a fanged demon grin, "That would be her, _Lord_ Frieza…" and chuckled low in his throat before yelling at the girls to quit their squabbling. They stopped long enough to look at him then punch each other in the face. One look from Piccolo had the halting any further aggression.

Pan stood up straight, scuffed up, gi ripped and hair as wild as her grandfather's but standing like a perfect student like her dad… before breaking it with that familiar Son grin.

Bra was snorting like an animal, scuffed up more and scowling like her father…

That is until Frieza came over, grabbed the back of her shirt and walked up to the apparent lady of the house. The woman was frustratingly taller than him, not by much but it was still irritating, "I expect a clean room with decent amenities and room for this!" he held out his hand, showing a grinning scuffed up Bra, "And a private wash space! And a decent lock!" then quickly walked by a completely stunned Videl, hauling Bra over his shoulder like a bag much to the filthy little Blue Monkey's giggling.

Videl's eye twitched and her mind started wondering how fast she could get her husband back over here from Capsule Corp. and just how much it'd cost to fix the damages. Then she looked at Piccolo, who was smirking before he turned away like he was only training Pan like normal. Frustrated and very confused, that familiar glare came over Videl's face as she moseyed on up to the tall green man and glared at him with all her effort.

In all honesty Piccolo thought it was cute she thought she could intimidate him. He dealt with Chichi at her worst, PREGNANT! With a freaking out Gohan and no Goku to blame, Videl could try her worst and it would never affect him!

"Ahem," well, then her foot started tapping and that all too eerily familiar pose of placing her hands on her hips made him start having flashbacks about the frying pan again…

Piccolo did not squirm, he was god for himself's sake! He did not squirm under the gaze of his first student's wife! His rival's wife maybe! But not his student's!

Those light blue eyes narrowed more and she could see him sweating, "You are going to explain why a naked white lizard man just walked into my house like he owns it with what looked to be Bulma and Vegeta's daughter…" she leaned in uncomfortably close, "riiiiight?"

Pointy green ears twitched and for that moment Piccolo cursed his student for picking such a nosy woman to be his mate!

* * *

 **A/N:** i keep having this funny idea of former-villains pooling around Videl's house and she has no idea what to do with them, she is basically Chichi 2.0 and Chichi had the rest of the Z gang, who were mostly ex-assassins, bandits, demons, etc. so her getting Galactic overlords and androids as well seems appropriate... plus they apparently make such great babysitters! XD

plus, have to have the little girls kicking each others butts after all, if Goten and Trunks are anything to go by, hey, they'll be next... its Vegeta and Goku's fault after all XD

and to add to the funny, while looking for a height chart (to make sure full-power Frieza IS shorter then Videl, HA!) i found one of those birthday gimmick charts, wound up with: "You were forced to go out with Frieza because FUCK YOU! that's why!' seemed legit XD

thanks to my reviewers and people that fav.d, i just needed some crack to deal with all this RL and other writing 'seriousness'...

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury


	3. Hello There Mrs 18

**A/N:** Hello peeps, yes, i'm throwing more gasoline on this fire, why do you ask?

i've had exams and needed something funny to pass the time, and work my way back to WYCH... so this~

ENJOY!

* * *

Hello There Mrs. 18

A month.

It had been a _month!_

… and the damnable white lizard was _still_ loafing about Videl's home like he owned the place.

Now, she knew _strange_ things happened around Gohan and his family _all the time_ , this became a fact of life for her the second she was somewhat indicted into the 'secret society' that was his friends and family. Seriously, they seemed to live in their own world, this crazy fantasy world where the strongest being in the universe was her father-in-law, her mother-in-law was the princess to an ancient country, technically her husband was a prince who happened to work for the one woman in the world that everyone knew because her company supplied products everywhere and… well, okay, she _may_ have been listening to Frieza one time when he was droning on to Bra about something and claiming he hoped she grew up to be as much of a 'successful planetary conqueror' as her mother… which got Videl thinking and realizing that yea, Capsule Corps. Basically ruled the world, and Bulma Briefs, her husband's _godmother_ basically own it.

And to think a handful of years ago she thought it was a big deal being the 'Savior's' daughter…

Yes, she knew the truth, yes they'd all had their damn laughs and criticisms and every 'reunion' she spends trying to either make sure her dad doesn't show up or ruing the day as he completely embarrasses himself again amongst people that could literally blow up planets at a whim. Three currently lived with her, her husband, his master and now this white alien she was sure tried to blow up the planet last year… not to mention Bra and her daughter Pan…

She shuddered to think what those girls would be up to in a few years thanks to the 'loving' tutelage they were receiving from, what she was quickly informed, former _villains_.

She knew she'd seen or heard of Piccolo before, but it wasn't until Frieza showed up that Gohan slipped about the fact he **_WAS_** the son of the former demon-king Piccolo, some kind of clone-thing as his species were unisex and bred by spitting out eggs (the part of her that had been fascinated by biology in college wanted to immediately go ask him a million questions, she thankfully smushed it…) and that he was only really his 'master' because he'd kidnapped Gohan as a kid and trained him to spite his father… then save the planet when that became an issue. Gohan must have ramble for a good four hours before he realized she hadn't said a single word and was just staring at him.

It was a valid point though. Piccolo had been living with them since… well since the party with Beerus to be honest, he just followed them home and never really left. Then while she was pregnant he always just seemed to be out in the court yard meditating and when anything went wrong or she needed help (and refused to ask) would show up silently without a word and not give her an option. She'd been angry at him more than once and probably given him a few bruises that made him a darker green (she liked to think she could do _something_ to him, just to delude herself for the moment despite knowing he was a hell of a lot stronger than her…) but for all his huffing and grunting he'd never been an issue. He'd been helpful when Pan was born and listened to her request to teach her daughter the things she never knew about that Gohan was still hesitant to teach her. Maybe it was because Piccolo wasn't involved with her, or the whole unisex thing, but of all the 'guys' in their fighting group he was really the easiest to approach with such a thing, the rest weren't sexist, just too damn chivalrous at times.

Piccolo didn't care, he judged people, as far as she could tell, from their worth as a fighter. She liked to think his acceptance of her meant he didn't see her as any less, for being human, for being weaker than the rest, and being female.

That was probably why realizing he was a villain, while ground-breaking, didn't stay for too long… her dad wasn't exactly the best guy around, and in some ways his own kind of villain. If she could love her dad, she could admit she liked Piccolo; gruff, quiet, no-nonsense and a nice dose of pragmatism when she got fed up with Gohan's unworldly optimism. He got it from his dad, she just had to accept it.

And that brought her back to her current predicament.

"Serving woman, bring me another one of those fruity drinks with the little stick and papery decoration!" Frieza chortled from the pool on the roof.

Videl had her arms crossed, glaring at the white and purple lizard.

She could accept Piccolo was the former Demon King, even not care about that as he was her daughter's 'favorite' grandpa (not that she would tell that to either her dad or Goku) and he hadn't done anything but be caring in his own way towards her and her family despite all the insanity.

She did **_not_** feel the same about Frieza.

This scaly white bastard had not only nearly killed her Husband several times, blew up the Earth (it was put back together without them knowing through some god thing Gohan failed to explain to her), blew up Vegeta's planet among countless others (not that she really associated much with the man… he gave her the creeps) and was touted by everyone in 'the group' as generally the evilest thing in the universe.

And he was currently lounging in her swimming pool… naked… though he was technically always naked. – _He's not wearing any clothes and I still can't tell what gender he is!_ -

When Gohan finally showed up the evening she got home and this bastard was here wondering about like he owned the place, they'd had some talk away from her, pissing her off, and Gohan explained the situation, mostly. For whatever reason he was revived, by Vegeta, the one guy in the universe with every reason to piss on his grave, then handed that same man's baby daughter and sent off on a planet he detested, with no supervision and just instructions to take care of her. It bothered Videl on so many levels she was literally fuming.

Piccolo had put Bra and Pan to bed so 'Mommy' could put 'Daddy' in a chokehold and vent her confused frustrations out on the sexy half-Saiyan.

She'd gotten a comment from the scaly white bastard the next morning, and if it weren't for the reminder he _literally_ used to blow up planets for fun she probably would have done the same to him, only significantly less 'fun' and much more brutal if she could.

She'd been sitting on a lounge chair by the pool side, in one of her sexy bathing suits out of spite, for the past hour trying to figure out how to create a beam of Ki and blast it through the smug bastard's shiny purple head.

If the experience of the past month was anything to go by their future relationship wasn't going to get any better. She'd been afraid of Piccolo at first, sure, he was this HUGE green dude with big pointy ears, he was taller than Gohan, and he was kind of intimidating just to look at. But _he_ was quiet, and while his standoffish nature likely pissed off the others in 'the group' she didn't mind, it was nice to get some quiet with someone else around on occasion. Frieza so far had been a naggy, condescending little jerk. He hadn't broken anything but he seemed to take a perverse pleasure in scaring her staff half to death, not that he actually _did_ anything beyond look at them with that evil emperor sneer of his, but the second Gohan came home he disappeared to do whatever he did. She wasn't as good as Gohan and his friends when it came to sensing Ki but with the amount Frieza flaunted it wasn't hard to miss the guy, plus he didn't seem to realize he basically exuded Ki to the point anyone even _slightly_ aware would know where he was no matter what. – _That's probably why none of the guys were worried about him wondering around, he was easy enough to find…_ -

"BLUE MONKEY! THAT IS NOT THE PROPER THING TO DO IN THE SOAKING POND!"

Videl had to roll her light blue eyes. For all the bastard's bluster and power, he was such a sucker for whatever Bra decided to pull. Sure, Videl was a relatively _new_ mom, but she had the help of well experienced individuals like her husband, and more specifically Piccolo, for dealing with kids. So maybe she was more relaxed than one normally was, but that didn't mean she was freaking out every time something happened…

There was a quick patter of feet and with swift squeal of " _CANNON BALL! WHEEEEEEE!"_ a huge splash soaked everyone in range.

"Pan!" shaking the water out of her eyes, Videl pushed her bangs aside and gave her young daughter a glare she hoped was _half_ as effective as the stoic looks Piccolo could deliver.

There was a squeak as the little black haired girl ducked back down under the water.

Frowning, and feeling a need to administer discipline, Videl got up and walked over to the edge of the pool where she could sense her daughter, arms crossed and tapping her foot as soon as her daughter popped her head out of the water.

Pan's black eyes widened as the first thing she noticed was her mom's foot tapping, then slowly looked up at the stern face her mom used that put Mr. Piccolo's to shame, "Er… Hi… mama…"

"Mmhmm," the foot tapping continued, "What have I said about running around the pool? Let alone being in the deep end?"

Pan tapped her little fingers on the edge, purposely keeping her gaze there as opposed to the look on her mom's face, "T-that I-I shouldn't…"

"Because…?" Videl's voice dipped lower and her eyes narrowed.

It made her daughter fidget more and scoot further towards the 'safe' shallow end, "Its… safer!" and quickly the little quarter-saiyan girl bolted to the 'safe' end where Bra was wading in an inner-tube and floaties with her guardian's icy gaze now watching the both of them.

Frieza's red eyes glanced from the human woman to her spawn a few times. From what he'd noticed of the parenting methods on this planet these 'humans' were rather soft, "On Arkosia you'd have gotten twenty minutes outside and a proper whipping for not listening to a parent's commands, be grateful for your luck, little monkey," he added the sneer just to watch the little girl squirm. It may have been petty, but she _was_ that damn monkey's descendent, he'd take any victory he could get!

"Don't traumatize my daughter," Videl's glare turned to the white lizard basking in the shallow end with the kids.

Red eyes flicked to the woman and Frieza's sneer widened, "For talking like that to a superior the punishment was doubled!"

Light blue eyes narrowed as Videl walked over to the jerk. She just had to stand behind him and glare at him, her pride demanded it, even if her sanity knew it was a stupid idea, "Please, how is being outside a punishment?"

Frieza leaned his shiny head back and looked up at the fleshy woman. In all honesty her species was disgusting to him, so like Saiyans, though he couldn't tell if it was better or worse that these _humans_ were oddly sleeker, not as heavy muscled, most of them, and not as hairy. He supposed it was an improvement, they were still ugly, "Arkosia is one of the coldest planets in the universe, light only showing up for minutes after months and the normal temperature halfway to absolute at its warmest…" the startled look on the female's face told him she at least had a vague understanding of what he just said. Deciding he didn't want to look at her and her odd outfit anymore (to be fair it was much more appealing than normal clothes these creatures wore, most things in the universe wore only what was needed as that was all they had, these creatures were so frivolous) and watched the little saiyan mongrels play, "such a comfy planet, makes for such weak creatures…"

There was something like a scoff above him, "So I guess that explains why you're up in the pool half the time," there was a smirk on the damn woman's face, "It's just too hot here for you isn't it? Freezer?"

Red eyes narrowed. He hated that name with a deep passion, mainly because that Idiot-Monkey would occasionally call him that when he forgot his _Royal_ name! "I loathe you, and when I'm done with this task and freed of it I will come back and enjoy making a crater out of your home…"

"As long as we're on the same page," then, just because her pride demanded it, Videl leaned down enough to pat him on his shiny purple head. Did she just sign her death warrant? Probably, still worth it as she felt his body shake from seething. – _I suppose Piccolo was right, it's just better to ignore his threats…_ -

To get away from the woman's vile touch, and not let himself vaporize her as that would just bring down the wrath of her mate and any others not bound by that Idiot-Monkey's idealism, he lowered himself into the warm waters, sinking to the bottom and trying this meditation thing he'd seen the Namekian doing often.

Videl could only quirk a brow as the universal monster just sank into the water. Had she won? – _I won!_ \- part of her was jumping for joy! She'd actually got him to retreat for once! Asking Piccolo for advice definitely worked better than anything Gohan or the others tried to tell her, talk about strange. She leaned over the edge and watched Frieza for a moment. Then after several minutes she noticed something weird, "He's not breathing?" there were no bubbles and she could only tilt her head, was this normal?

"Mama!" Pan jumped up and down in the pool trying to get her mother's attention, Bra next to her in her inner tube and floaties failing miserably at trying to do the same.

It was enough to snap Videl out of her curious staring, lifting her gaze to see her daughter and Bra, "What is it sweetie?"

"Watch this!" Pan took an impossibly large gulp of air and shot underwater. Videl could only blink before panic started to set in and just before she jumped in her daughter came springing back up, gasping for air and Bra was giggling and clapping next to her. Pan shook like an animal for a second before looking at her worried mother and noticed someone _still_ hadn't come up, "Aww! Uncle Frieza always wins this game!" the little year and half old quarter-Saiyan crossed her arms and pouted, "It's not fair, he cheats somehow…"

That at least piqued Videl's interest away from worrying about her daughter doing something stupid in the pool, "He… does this often?"

The frustrated child nodded adamantly, "Bra and I watched him for a whole hour once, not once did he come up…" thrusting her little fists up she started jumping about, "I wanna beat him!"

Videl could only give her daughter a wry smile. – _I must have been like that as a kid… I can't imagine Gohan doing that…_ \- "I don't think that's how this works sweetie…"

"You're not Frieza's species Pan," a deep baritone came out of nowhere, signaling Piccolo's arrival, "From what he told Goku on Namek his kind doesn't need to breathe and can survive the vacuum of space," there was a smug grin as he looked down at the little saiyan girls and one of their mothers, "That's a contest you'd never win…"

Pan just made a face and furiously sulked, Bra giggling baby noises next to her.

Videl on the other hand turned around to the new arrival. She was glad she was used to Piccolo's silent arrivals, appreciated them even in some aspect, and absolutely sure it was one of the reasons he was _not_ on Chichi's good list. She looked at the green man with a gentle curiosity, "is that true?" the idea that there was a species out there, let alone living at her house, that could survive in space was phenomenal.

There was only a curt nod as the Namekian's black eyes looked at the woman, "As far as he claims, though that is the only way to explain how he could survive a planet blowing up on him…"

Videl could only nervously chuckle at that, feeling like it had been a stupid question, "So… what brings you up here?" it wasn't that Piccolo never came up to the pool, just usually when no one else was within fifty feet of it.

The large green man gave one of his huffs, before walking to the edge of the pool and looking down, obviously spotting Frieza sitting underwater, "came to pick up the brat to train, figured Frieza would want Bra to come and they could spar again…"

Okay, this time Videl definitely sweatdropped. It was bad enough the first time watching the girls scramble around on the ground like flailing puppies and frankly from her experience it didn't seem they'd really been improving. Part of her wondered if the two formerly-evil androgynous aliens just liked to watch them brawl as it was an easy thing to pass off as 'training'. – _I honestly wouldn't be surprised to walk in on them placing bets at some point…_ -

But before Videl could so much as ask or comment, Frieza seemed to rise up out of the water, elegantly floating up with barely any of his power and didn't even bother shaking off, "Woman there is someone at your door…"

"But I didn't even-?" was as far as the human woman got.

"Sound travels faster in water," before Piccolo made that gruff comment, floating himself and snatching Pan up out of the pool, "He's right though, someone's at the door," was that a smirk on his face? "I'll get this one changed and be down in a few minutes…"

"I'll hold you to that," Frieza flatly quipped, floating over the water just enough to grab Bra with his tail, much to the little blue haired half-Saiyan's delight, "Come little Blue Monkey, you need to get changed so you can properly fight that other monkey, now don't you!"

For a second Videl thought he was cooing, but 'cooing' and 'intergalactic evil emperor of the galaxy' didn't quite mesh. Seeing as those two had already grabbed the girls and flew down, she could only sigh, "Fine, I'll get the door, don't mind me or anything, I just own the house you're crashing in and that's my kid…" her grumbling could be heard as she decided, just to be contradictory, to take the stairs.

* * *

When Videl opened her front door she expected a lot of things…

What she did NOT expect was 18 standing there with her daughter.

Blinking a few times, Videl opened the door wider and nervously address the older woman, "G-good afternoon, Mrs. 18, how are y-"

The tall blonde woman turned with those piercing icy blue eyes, stopping Videl midsentence, "I heard there was an ex-villains and baby-sitting meeting going on here," a _slight_ smirk on her otherwise immobile face, "I thought I would stop by and check it out."

"Ah-a what?!" Videl practically stumbled on her words, and gave no resistance as the tall woman casually walked in, her daughter holding her mother's hand and smiling lightly as they passed. The little girl's smile gave Videl enough of a moment to reset as she flicked the front door closed and caught up with the woman, arms crossed and spoke flatly under her breath, "Yes, please, come in, not like anyone else asks…" part of her was wondering if she really even owned her own home anymore with all these people just barging in as they pleased.

For a second Videl could have sworn she saw the ghost of smile pass the older woman's lips before she glanced her way with that same icy stare, "So where are they?"

"Who?" Videl snapped flatly, she already had to deal with one jerk today, and while she wasn't particularly familiar with Mrs. 18 she knew she wasn't someone to mess with. Gohan had mentioned something about her being an 'Android' though she still had a hard time believing that when Marron, 18 and Krillin's daughter, was standing right next to the woman.

Again that ghost of a smile, "The other ex-villains…" when the only response she got was the younger woman's confused gaze, 18 just looked around, determining where would be the best spot to train, "I take it the courtyard is this way?"

It was a rhetorical question, and Videl knew this because 18 was already walking before she'd finished asking. – _I am seriously getting tired of being blown off in my own home!_ \- Silently fuming to herself Videl quickly followed the woman, "Yes, it's this way," she decided not to ask how the blonde woman knew, figuring it either has something to do with sensors, Ki or both, "Can I ask why you're headed there?"

Without even looking or changing her pace 18 gave a flat response, "It's the most likely place to have a baby brawl…"

Videl nearly tripped. If it weren't for how flat the woman said it she would have thought she was joking, "Wha-what?!"

A slim raised blonde brow glanced at the black haired girl over her shoulder, "Those two are training those girls, right?"

"We-well yea, but…" Videl scratched the back of her head, "Really, 'baby-brawl'?"

A ghost of a smile, "What would you call it?"

The young woman had no response to that. Technically the two girls _were_ still babies, even if their Saiyan part seemed to make them grow faster when it came to coordination, walking and talking… but they _were_ both under two years old… "Ugh, fine…" a groan, "But why **_are_** you here?" Videl pinched the bridge of her nose, "I thought Mr. Krillin said you and he weren't training your daughter?"

Was that a shrug? It was hard to tell as all of 18's expressions were so muted, "More like he doesn't want to hurt her by training her and I couldn't if I wanted to," those icy eyes turned to look at Videl momentarily, something about the flat expression that was eerily piercing, "I never actually _learned_ how to fight after all," she turned back, walking as if nothing happened, "It's all just programming for me."

Videl couldn't help but pause and shuddered, that certainly helped explain _a lot_ about the standoffish woman, "Ooookay…"

After another hall 18 opened a door that lead to the courtyard… and already they could hear the angry childish yells and screams as indeed, 'Baby-Brawl' was happening…

"Oh lord," immediately a hand went up and pressed between Videl's eyes, feeling something like a headache coming on.

18 just stood there for a moment, cocking her hip and observing for a moment, than there seemed to be something amused in her flat voice, "Already started I see…"

"Hmp," a pointy green ear twitched and Piccolo turned just enough to spot the two women, "18."

"Piccolo," the blonde woman nodded and stepped forward, taking her daughter with her.

Now Videl was at an impasse. She'd been avoiding joining the training sessions for several reasons, mainly that she didn't want to get in the way or interrupt anything, as training with a master was very personal and any little distraction could be detrimental. Another major part was… she didn't feel like she belonged there. The way these guys trained was so old school and foreign to her she honestly felt like she was trespassing just by being there. Despite everything that happened since Buu, she still felt very much like an outsider to their strange little world where aliens, laser beams and androids were normal. Yet despite that she had a collection of those things in her courtyard right now, and while she knew, she wasn't an expert or anything…

Then 18's words a minute ago rang in her mind. 18 was relatively 'new' to the group too, Gohan mentioning she joined them some time after the Cell games, married Krillin of all people and had their daughter. – _Maybe she's just as awkward about all this as me?_ \- though looking at her one wouldn't notice if she was uncomfortable or not. 18 was always stoic, everything she said succinct and dry compared to normal, but most of the others seemed to hand-wave that as her being an 'android'. – _More like cyborg…_ \- but maybe…

Before Videl even made a decision she found her feet taking her towards the little group, standing on the opposite side of Piccolo with Frieza between him and 18. Marron was still holding her mother's hand, watching as the two younger girls did little more than brawl on the grass.

Of all things, Frieza was the first to break the not-so-awkward silence, "Pathetic! BLUE MONKEY!" he pointed a scaly white finger threateningly at the girls, making them stop for a second, "what are you doing! I know I taught you more than to just attack! Go for her weak spots!"

"Grab her tail Pan!" Piccolo held up a hand and calmly instructed his student, smirking as Frieza started to fume.

"That is illegal!" the white lizard nearly screamed in that shrill voice.

"No, it's quite tactical," 18, of all people spoke up, "According to Dr. Gero's data, Saiyans, even adult ones, were extremely weak to their tail being attacked…"

There was a yelp and cry as Pan did as she was told, grabbing Bra's tail and causing the little blue haired heiress to scream. Unfortunately this had the unintended result of stunning everyone present, forcing Pan to let go, only to get tackled by the whimpering baby.

"Wow, she does have a set of lungs on her," Videl couldn't help but comment, trying to rub the ringing out of her ears. If her ears hurt she _knew_ Piccolo's had to, and from the looks on the other two, despite their obvious show of stoicism, they were just as bad. – _Aliens have advanced hearing, and 18 must have some auditory enhancements, sure, why not_ \- her mind quickly reasoned.

Despite the casualness of the comment the others seemed to ignore it. Videl tried not to pout, not realizing it had nothing to do with her and more the three warriors' pride preventing them from mentioning anything form of complaint.

Instead Frieza merely turned, looked 18 up and down and frowned, mostly annoyed that here was _another_ female of this damnably weak species that was taller than his final form, "And who are you?"

"Android 18," cold eyes glanced down at the cold lord, "You're Frieza, intergalactic emperor, beat by Goku and killed by that Trunks from the future," a _slight_ smirk, "The first time."

Frieza's visibly ruffled, "And who are you, this 'Android 18', and why should I care?" his red eyes looked her up and down again, there was definitely something different about her stance that he hadn't seen in any of the other _Human_ females.

That ghost of smirk didn't leave as those icy mechanical eyes didn't leave the cold lord, "I broke Vegeta's arms the first time he went Super Saiyan…"

Videl nearly hit her head on the ground. – _She did_ _ **WHAT?!**_ _-_ Gohan hadn't told her anything about that?!

Piccolo grunted a short laugh, confirming 18's statement.

Something sparkled in Frieza's eyes, evil and wicked and full of all sorts of vengeful amusement, "Oh you will have to tell me more of this," a sinister smirk passed the creepy alien's face, "and I think you and I will become quite close," he chuckled that tittering girlish giggle in his throat as he turned back to the baby-brawling, "Already I have to say you're my favorite person on this rock!"

The ghost of a smile quickly disappeared from 18's face and Videl was probably the only one to notice how cold that flat look was before the blonde woman turned as well to face the girl's fighting, "I doubt it, after all you killed my husband…"

"Wha-what?!" Videl's jaw dropped. Krillin died?! Since when?!

Again, she seemed to be ignored, as Frieza 'hmm'd, flicking his tail this way and that, something she'd noticed he did when he was honestly thinking hard about something, "You'll have to be specific, I've killed a number of mates in my time… far too many to remember each one specifically…"

"He went to fight you last year," was 18's flat response.

Frieza's head tilted, "He did? Which one was he? There's only one I remember killing once…"

"Short bald one."

A snap as the lizard pointed at the tall woman, "Yes, that's the one," he turned to look her over again, then leaned around her to look Marron, "Is this your spawn?" a tight nod only Frieza could pick up from proximity to the woman, "Hmm, there is a resemblance," he stood up straight, hands on his hips and looked at 18 directly, "You as well," he gave a curt nod before turning back to the girls, "Well, then I shall apologize about killing him before, though I have to say that's only because killing him was the worst mistake I ever made…"

"Ha!" Piccolo laughed.

18 on the other hand just seemed to watch the girl's fighting before giving a barely-there shrug, "Meh."

"What in the world?" Videl just stood apart, staring at the other three, very confused by the exchange that just happened. When three sets of dangerous eyes turned to her it took every ounce of willpower she had to not run away, "Sorry, I just-I have no idea what you guys were talking about? And so casually mentioning killing Krillin?" at the mention of the older monk her eyes turned to 18, curious by the woman's muted reaction, "What exactly am I missing here?"

"Oh-ohohohohoho!" Frieza laughed. The damn bastard alien laughed while 18 and Piccolo just shared a silent look. Ignoring the other two, Frieza turned and faced Videl, slimy smirk on his face, "I suppose that mate of yours never told you about planet Namek?"

"A… little?" she tried not to sound as nervous as she felt. It was bad enough Frieza talking to her, but being as smug as he was? That was just plain creepy.

He waved a scaly white hand, "Then come, come girl, let me tell you all about it…"

"Oh this'll be fun," Piccolo grunted in displeasure, "Hearing how my planet was destroyed by this psychopath…"

"Indeed!" Frieza seemed all too pleased with himself, not realizing that was an insult or not caring.

18 at the end just shrugged, "Sure, why not, Krillin only told me about how he ran most of the time and was scared out of his mind by how powerful you were," a delighted smirk rose on 18's face, muted still but surprising coming from her, as her icy eyes traveled to the short evil alien, "Though he did mention mooning you while you were transformed and giving you the slip…"

"Ahem!" Frieza cleared his throat indignantly, " ** _I_** will be the one telling this story, if you don't mind woman!"

"Heh," there was a snort, again muted, from 18 as her eyes traveled to Piccolo, "I think I figured out where Vegeta got it from."

"Heh," it was less a laugh and more a groan as Piccolo rubbed his head, "Before we get story-time started, what did you want coming here 18?"

When the three adults turned to the blonde woman she didn't so much as move a muscle, staring at the flatly, "I was wondering if you'd be interested in teaching my daughter a thing or two, since Krillin refuses and I can't…"

A green brow rose, "Dr. Gero?"

There was a curt nod from the blonde, but for a moment Videl could have sworn she was upset, "Dr. Gero."

Between the two Frieza's red eyes darted from one to the other, "Fine, we'll train the little non-Monkey, but," he pointed at 18, "You will tell me this 'Dr. Gero' thing, as whoever this doctor is seems to know an unusual amount of information about monkeys, let alone your odd surname," another look of the blonde woman up and down, "If you are an 'android' or mechanized in any way as you claim, the technology is superior to anything I've ever seen… I had been a cyborg prior to my first death after all, with the best the Cold Empire could configure, and it was crude compared to what I can see of you…"

"Fair enough," 18 said flatly, "Though I'm sure you just want to hear how I broke Vegeta's arms…"

A devious smirk passed the cold lord's lips, "Indeed," he clapped his hands, "Now, first things first! MONKEYS!" he clapped his hands louder, garnering the attention of the other two girls who'd been fighting this whole time, "Front and center! Uncle Frieza is going to tell you how he nearly gain immortality!"

"… Then got his ass handed to him," Piccolo muttered under his breath, only to get swatted by Videl, who was using **_that_** look on him.

Red eyes momentarily glared at the tall Namekian before he swiftly turned to the two girls seated in front of them, "Also, _that_ ," he pointed at Marron who blinked suddenly self-conscious and tried to hide behind her mother, "Will be joining us, make your greetings on your own time," another clap, "Now, how shall I start…"

"… how about the part where you were slaughtering innocent creatures on-" Piccolo was swiftly elbowed by the short woman next to him. Everyone else completely ignored it.

So Frieza began the tale of the greatest mistake he ever made, killing a bald midget on a blue and green world hunting for Dragon Balls, "Ah, yes, I was with my Lieutenants, Zarbon and Dodoria, when we got word of…"

* * *

 **A/N:** i like how despite how complicated any dialogue i come with for these guys is initially when i write it they basically streamline it... and its nothing but sniping XD guess that's what you get when working with former villains~ :P

i like how Frieza doesn't know proper names for things and calls them something else, like Soaking Pond, hehe, i dunno if i want to blame faulty translation software or just him being him, whatever it works for me...

and 18 must get on this action and snark... you never really think about her interacting with anyone else in the Z gang so this whole thing has been hilarious to me... just the idea of them all so casually going on about this or that crazy thing they did like its no big deal~

and poor Videl still relatively new to this world, i know it was a change of POV but it seemed to demand being mostly from her angry-angsty POV XD

oh well, love to you guys reading and reviewing, hope this is fun for you as well~ :3

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury


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